The Holy-Grail of No Strings Sex

You tell each other you don’t want a relationship. You go in with both eyes open. You commit to some casual sex. No strings. Two months later you’re parked outside his house weeping because he’s taken another girl home.

A little extreme maybe, but it’s a situation many many many of us (don’t lie) have been in, in some form or another. We all know the risks, yet for some reason people continue to have these casual relationships.

Generally it seems that most people agree on one main point; that as long as you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet, as my friend Adwoa puts it, it can be ideal. So, if it’s as simple as discussing what you want, then why do these relationships go wrong more often than not? The simple answer is that someone usually gets ‘attached’ and then the rules of the romance change.

When I asked which party is more likely to get attached, I was overwhelmed with responses. ‘Girls!’ all the men on my Blackberry contact list was shouting at me. Why, I wonder to myself, have girls developed such a bad reputation as casual relationship ruiners? Anthony, 25, thinks that ‘they get too emotionally involved and let the intimacy of the sexual experience become more to them than it is or needs to be’. While Erron, 24, argues that it’s down to the fact that sex is ‘external for men and internal for women’.

These are both interesting points which suggest that there is something inherent in women that make them liable to develop fuzzy feelings. A quick biology lesson can offer an enlightening theory.

Picture a guy and a girl laying back on the bed after a particularly satisfying sex session. Perhaps the girl is basking in the post-orgasm glow (providing the guy actually knows what he’s doing) and wishing for some post-coital cuddling. Meanwhile, let’s face it, the guy is most probably asleep. It’s an age old scenario. But, did you know that they are both marinating in a hormonal cocktail directing these responses?

During sex a bunch of hormones are released, including dopamine (feel good hormone) and oxytocin (cuddly hormone). An orgasm is in fact the biggest legal rush of dopamine you can get. This burst of happiness and pleasure is coupled with oxytocin which bonds you with whoever you’re with. It’s the same hormone which is released when a woman gives birth to encourage her to love her baby. You quite literally see the other person through rose-tinted glasses. (Which could be why people quite often accidentally declare their love during sex.)

Now, post-sex, a male’s dopamine drops faster than you can say ‘how was it for you?’, which not only induces sleep but doesn’t inspire a feeling of connection. Add this to the fact that testosterone is killing off their bonding hormone (oxytocin), and hey presto, you have a snoring man who is less likely to feel chemically attached to the girl next to him. Unfortunately, the opposite hormonal reaction is happening in women. The female is high on oxytocin, which cues an intense desire to cuddle and the possibility that the guy suddenly looks that bit more attractive as a potential partner.

Another thing that I feel I must mention. The more time you spend with someone where you aren’t having sex the more oxytocin is released, thus the more you’re likely to bond with the person. So that could be a reason why you found yourself in trouble after you took your ‘f*ck buddy’ for dinner. (My advice is the second you groan your last groan you both grab your clothes and get out of there before the bonding begins!)

Now this biological theory is not completely solid. Sometimes it’s the guy weeping at your door. Sometimes you both decide to take the relationship somewhere more serious. But, I must say I do see some merit in this theory. I spent a year dating guys and wondering why I wasn’t forming any emotional attachment to them. I didn’t understand why they wanted to get closer. I later discovered I’d had increased levels of testosterone which had been killing off my oxytocin – hence why I was acting like more of a guy?!

However, I have to look into the fact that our man-friendly society is having an effect on our relationships. Yvonne, 22, mentions the stigma attached to women who have casual sex. Perhaps us ladies develop feelings because otherwise we feel a little cheap? That we have to persuade ourselves that we don’t just want sex for sex sake because we’re roasting, but that we actually like the guy? Chris, 26, believes that the amount of men coming from broken homes discourages guys from association sex with commitment, or seeing the positivity in a loving relationship.

Whether it’s down to biology or experience, nature or nuture, casual relationships are an idea that rarely works out in reality. Perhaps guys are peer-pressured into denying their emotional connection to girls, or maybe they are biologically unable to fall in love as easily. Whatever it is, I think we should abandon the holy-grail of a ‘no strings’ relationship and be more honest with what we really want. But then again for those who are anti-relationship (a camp I’ve often found myself in) death by spurned woman/man is probably more attractive then death by abstinence.